For what reason was I so focused on what I thought I would lose if I/we didn’t “do it a certain way” rather than focused on what I/we have and what it makes possible?

In preparation for the December 11 Union Square show, I’m running a fire dancing performance class
with 21 students. We’re holding the class at The Palace of Fine Arts under this really beautiful dome. Seems like a good place to hold a practice, rain or shine, right? Well, it seems like it, but in reality, after 3 hours of practices there (the above class and another meeting with another group of fabulous performers), I found myself with a hoarse voice (even with the awesome megaphone Jim and Anne brought) and wet feet. This led to me getting the sniffles. So here I am, ready to leave tomorrow for my 10 day Vipassana retreat, wondering if I should go.

If you haven’t done one of these retreats, here’s the quick summary. All who attend a Vipassana course must conscientiously undertake the following five precepts for the duration of the course:

1. to abstain from killing any living creature;
2. to abstain from stealing;
3. to abstain from all sexual activity;
4. to abstain from telling lies;
5. to abstain from all intoxicants.

There are three additional precepts which old students — of which I am one — are expected to follow during the course:

6. to abstain from eating after midday;
7. to abstain from sensual entertainment and bodily decoration;
8. to abstain from using high or luxurious beds.

All students must observe Noble Silence from the beginning of the course until the morning of the last full day. Noble Silence means silence of body, speech, and mind. Any form of communication with fellow student, whether by gestures, sign language, written notes, etc., is prohibited.

And you then follow this schedule:
4:00 a.m.—————-Morning wake-up bell
4:30-6:30 a.m.———–Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30-8:00 a.m.———–Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 a.m.———–Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 a.m.———-Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher’s instructions
11:00-12:00 noon——–Lunch break
12noon-1:00 p.m.——–Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 p.m.———–Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 p.m.———–Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 p.m.———–Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher’s instructions
5:00-6:00 p.m.———–Tea break
6:00-7:00 p.m.———–Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 p.m.———–Teacher’s Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 p.m.———–Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 p.m.———–Question time in the hall
9:30 p.m.—————-Retire to your own room–Lights out

The thing is, while you sit during 3 of the 1 hour group sits, for 7 of the 10 days you are not supposed to move. As someone with a running nose, in close quarters to someone else, I question two things: 1. does this make sense for my health? 2. Does this make sense for everyone else’s health?

I’ll sleep on it and figure it out in the morning…

I had a fascinating new year’s eve. I had a gig that I accepted for less money than I would normally require. Why? Ultimately, because of my (unfounded) fear of not being able to pay my rent.

I arrived at the site and within minutes fell in a construction ditch (about a 4-5 foot blind drop — didn’t see the hole because it was dark) while surveying the performance area on the other side of the construction zone. The client led us there, in case you’re wondering.

I sprained my finger (and put more pressure on the finger I had two days earlier dislocated in practice for a show I’m doing) and sustains some bruises and abrasions on my rather ample butt. Apart from that, I walked away from the accident laughing about it. It was, objectively, funny even if my subjective experience included injury, pain and discomfort. Surveying the situation, I consider myself lucky in that I could have fallen onto some rebar or broken my leg or twisted my ankle and had some really serious injuries.

Anyway, the client hadn’t provided an appropriate area for managing our fuel and set us up in the neighbors driveway — fairly close to the ditch I fell in with the performance area just on the other side of that. The neighbor was understandably upset and confronted us — he was not pleased we had fuel in his lot near wood and was naturally concerned that an accident might lead to a fire. So after setting up and getting everything ready for our first performance (this means soaking all our tools which we’d passed through the construction area to our safety person), we had to pack up our gear and move
it to the sidewalk in the front of the house.

By this point, we’d missed the performance window — we were supposed to go on for our first set before midnight but the delays made this impossible. Some time later we performed our first set using live music rather than the music I had spent 5 hours editing for our intended show. The tools wouldn’t light well at that point. Why? The fuel had evaporated because we’d been waiting so long.

Our second set was more of the same, with the client refusing to tell the DJ to play our music when the DJ wouldn’t do so. During the second set, I slipped on the carpet outside — a wet green leaf got under my shoe. I’m told I made it look like a break dancing move. Not bad for a sore girl with swollen fingers and a bruised bottom.

While we did not perform the show we’d intended, we did perform an amazing show and earned ~15% tip from the client.

In the 5 years I have been a professional fire dancer I have never had a client fail to meet so many of the agreements of our contract nor have I had an experience laden with so many difficulties.

Upon reflection, it seems like a blessed experience. Those who witnessed my first fall indicated they were concerned they would be transporting me to SF General — not just the client, but the other dancers and witnesses present. I then performed two fabulous sets in the face of all sorts of opposition and earned a tip from the client.

I imagine 10 years ago I might have looked at this experience as a sign that the new year would be fraught with challenges — a “bad sign” about the things to come.

Now, thankfully, my world is different. I was inspired becayse as we were leaving the venue, one witness went so far as to say I must be a special being to be able to walk away laughing from something like that when I could have ended up injured in the hospital, let alone performing the way I had.

I am grateful to say it seems more natural for me to view this event as a sign that the new year will be filled with the ability to flow through challenges and walk away with a smile on my face, laughter in my voice, and abundance in my pocket… even in the face of obstacles that quite literally will drag me down than the less positive perspective I might have had 10
years ago.

What I learned I offer you now as follows:

May 2007 bring you all you desire, including the resources to laugh when you are down, the strength to pick yourself up and keep going in the face of that which you hadn’t planned being foist upon you, the will to move through the pain that can sometimes stop you in your tracks and the capacity to remind yourself just how great a joy all that you have really is.

Some IllumiNaughty friends of mine are putting together The Havilah Garden which is a project that inspired me deeply. The garden will include a walk of fear leading to enclosed garden of hope and a tree of emergence and will include lush plant life on the playa. In an environment filled with dust and lacking in lushness, I’m truly inspired to experience something alive and I imagine this will be an amazing gift for so many on the playa.

It felt great to see this old family of mine after spending so much time building the Temple for so long. These are people who have witnessed my evolution from corporate entrenched systems engineer to running the Temple full time. Many of them questioned the shift and possibility of it being a viable financial alternative to a life behind a computer desk. I’m glad to say my hopes overcame my fears and I have Bloomed into a new me — one I imagine this project will reflect at Burning Man in 2006. I’m happy to give my support to these friends and this project.

Here’s the photos and link backs to the second volume of the comic book from 2006. Again, the archives are a wonderful quick way to see these hundreds of posts. 

June 1, 2006

June 2, 2006

June 3, 2006

June 3, 2006

June 3, 2006, Part II

June 5, 2006

June 6, 2006

June 7, 2006

June 8, 2006

June 11, 2006

June 12, 2006

June 13, 2006

June 14, 2006

For all you beautiful beings willing to play with me and some fire under the Palace of Fine Arts tonight! And for those willing to come back in two weeks. . .

KRNV reporter Adriana Banovich covers the surge of poi fire dancing in the Reno, NV area, featuring Reno’s premier poi troupe, Controlled Burn with supporting audio from moi, Temple of Poi founder, Isa “GlitterGirl’ Isaacs and footage of Hunter and I from the Temple of Poi 2006 Fire Dancing Expo. My first television appearance! whoo hoo!

How could it not be? I love what I do, do what I love, get paid to do it, have a superhero for a lover, and got my movie, miLife on the big screen in the Apple store in SF, playing at the iMovie festival tonight. Yeah! Fire dancing shown on the big screen.

Liz is sick, i’m not feeling too well and getting out of bed simply seems impossible. i send Liz off — since she is sick and will SAG out for the day — telling her i will deal with the tent and everything. I try to fall back to sleep, but really, after tossing and turning, can’t manage it. I slowly work my way out of the tent… stretching, putting in my ipod, and deal with my resistance to getting up.

I had made a deal with myself — i would just get on the bike and ride each day, even if i stopped. after having put in three 40+ mile rides back to back, i wondered what i could possibly do today. downing two carb boom’s before breakfast — with mostly sugar and 2 cups of coffee worth of caffeine, i finally get myself out of camp at about 8:05. Ug. it’s a relatively short day, at 85.5 miles to ventura. As is often the case, the day starts with a climb.

The caboose is chasing me again and i’m 4 miles out from rest stop 1. while i’m riding it all and it’s all uphill, i am pretty slow and stopping frequently. a sweep vehicle tells me they can sweep me in, which, undoubtedly, will help me get caught up. so… i get into the sweep vehicle, determined to finish a second day on this ride.

Out of rest stop one it’s all up hill for a short bit. i top the peak and hit the downhill, which soon finds me on 101. egads! this 101 stuff is scary. i mean, it’s a highway and while i’m on the shoulder of the road, when trucks go by the vacuum created really does impact the car. combine that with cross winds and it is a crazy experience. At one point, i have the dubious honor of experiencing both the cross wind and an 18 wheeler. oh boy.

After about 20 miles of highway, i find myself finally getting used to it. alas, though, we exit. i barely make it into lunch where i roll out on the rollers (these are foam rollers which is like giving yourself a massage, only a lot more painful and a lot less specific) and stuff my lunch in my backpack. I haven’t eaten enough as i start out on this leg and the heat is finally impacting me so that i, for the first time while riding, take off my long sleeves and strip down to sleeveless. my bike is still giving me problems when i shift, which keeps causing pain in my quad. After the 3rd dropped chain (chain coming off the gears) and 50% shifts where the gear won’t drop to the lowest (easiest) granny wheel, i get in a sweep vehicle to go to the Techs at rest stop three. I pull in and get them to look at it (again — the derailer’s been checked a bunch before now and still it isn’t working right) and then ride out. it’s seems better on the down shift — so much so that now it drops from the highest wheel (hardest) to the lowest wheel (easiest) and skips the middle. I guess that’s better than not ever getting into the lowest.

paradise island — the ice cream stop. yum. so glad b/c lunch was yukky and i’m low fuel.

oh wow. i broke 50 miles… i think i might do my longest ride ever today!

but again, the caboose is on my ass. the water stop… pass it but it’s closed… another 15 miles to camp and i’ve already put on 57 miles. i have to try to break my record…

i ride on… making it to rest stop 4. yeah! first time to rest stop 4; first time breaking 60 miles; longest ride ever so far at 65 miles — before the adjustments for the incorrect odometer. yeeeehaw!

inspired, i ride on. but boy was that last stretch the longest ever. i’m tired. even though it’s pretty much all flat, i am beyond what i thought i was capable of, pedaling truly, will won out over skill.

pulling into the beach, the route was probably already closed. there were maybe 3 riders behind me… but i made it in… my longest ride at ~73 miles. i’m spent. smelly. hungry. in pain.

i head to sports med — they are closed. shit. not good. but Cha — goddess and healer that she is — takes me anyway. she retapes me. then tells me to eat. i eat and it’s dark before i head to the showers. shower time, then sleep. so tired. last day tomorrow.

On this the 5 year anniversary of 9/11, I still believe we fundamentally need something different in terms of how we as humans interact if we are to survive and thrive as a race. I recently re-read this article about the war in Iraq by Ken Wilber and really resonate with his vision of how we could grow in the future. I hope it comes in my lifetime… though I think that would be optimistic.

Oh yeah, the lettering is in purple for Lexi… in honor of the theme of her trip: different.

Today started out strong. i became a bicyclist in the first leg of the day, for the first time really feeling the cadence of the pedals and understanding a rhythm. i passed a lot of people on the ride to the first rest stop and rode out really strong. it felt good after two days of riding so little. the first 8 miles was great. but alas, the next leg was the actual quad buster… a long steep hill that just seems to be endless.

No worries… i rode out from the first rest stop and headed up the hill. too steep for me with my pained quad, i decided to simply walk what i needed to. they call those of us walking up the hill “cross trainers” — and really, it’s good because there’s a lot more use of the hamstring walking the bike up the hill than the overuse of the quad riding up the hill.

I stopped along the way, under a tree and had one of my coolest moments of the ride. sipping some water, a rider was pulling up with literally hundreds more behind… I called out to the rider — “good job! you can do it!” and the rider, while exerting a lot of effort, gave me a half smile. so i cheered on another rider… and that rider responded, and suddenly i found myself in this feedback loop where i was cheering riders on — hundreds of them, literally — and they were grateful for it. I started saying anything i could think of to inspire them… “yes you can!” and “Good job!” and “looking strong” and “you can do it” and then, before i knew it, i was yelling to them, saying, “you are doing an amazing thing right now! thank you for inspiring me!” and i found myself tearfully cheering them on.

they returned the favor as i was cross training up the hill, passing me and encouraging me back.

One of the Schwab team members — this is a group of people who rode the hill 5 times to inspire others each time as they went up — had passed me a few times. and as he was going by, i said, “go rider! you are doing it!” and he turned to me and said, “so are you!” and i said, “to the best of my ability in this moment” and he said, “that is all you can ever do…”

That moment was one of the most inspiring moments of my life and reminded me of what life is really about: the best of my ability in each moment.

==

the downhill was pretty sweet. i think the sweetest of the ride, actually. zipping down without winds at 30+ MPH passing people, feeling good and finally getting some miles on my legs, i felt good pulling into the second rest stop. next it was rest stop three. I hadn’t made it there yet… that morning, Jim/Sparky had sent me a text message telling me it was within reach that day… and, well, i found myself finally making it to rest stop 3, i got to see Sparky and Frankie for the first time on the route. I hung out with them way too long though and was soon finding the rest stop closing and again, the caboose on my ass. So i rode on… my quad still in pain. Rode on 101 for the first time, for just a short mile or so… and then I rode into bradley where i completed my second longest ride and allowed myself to get taken in for the day on the SAG bus. 42 miles of riding… on a bad quad. good feeling about that, for sure.

Bradley is a small town of about 500, at least i think that is what the sign said. Each year, they do a BBQ and host the ALC riders where the funds they raise from what we pay for food — optionally of course — is used to fund the kids of their community going to college and on excursions to enrich their lives. hard not to be touched by the experience.

at lunch i went to sports medicine where they said i should see Cha, a kinesio taper, who would tape my leg to assist in supporting the muscles that needed help. with that in mind, i got on the SAG bus where i met Bobby, a man who served in the military in the early 90′s. When he came back from overseas, he was later diagnosed with a brain tumor — chemical warfare poisoning is the though. The man has a lemon size tumor in his head and is on 26 different medications and is riding the ALC. It is impossible to not be inspired by that dedication. We had a great conversation and wonderful connection and i have to say, that simply led to perspective shift.

Pulling into the Mid State fair grounds, it was lovely weather. Off to sports med where i went to see Cha, an amazing healer from Austin, Tx. it turns out i had just met her daughter at Sparky’s rest stop. small world. The taping relieved the pain. off to the showers, some poi in the line, cool conversations, stretching, dinner, sleep… preparation for the next day. Ah, the evil twins on a long day. egads…

I also discovered today that my odometer is off by about .5 miles per 10 miles of travel… meaning if it said i travelled 10, i actually travelled 10.5. that means i’ve done more miles than i think. i’ll adjust that at the end.

Aaron and I watched the movie Serenity again. This time I had a really powerful experience. [SPOILER] When Wash dies and his last words, after having landing the ship when death seemed very likely, were something like: “I am a leaf on the wind.”

I imagine if I were to die in a moment when I thought I was a leaf on the wind and I’d just saved my friends lives, I would be a very happy and peaceful person. The first time I watched the movie I got so sad. The second time, I though it was the most powerful and noble of deaths possible.

First written week of March 23, 2009:

I’ve been on vacation this week — quite an interesting experience in and of itself. That, alas, for another post. This post is dedicated to the fun poi-la-hoop practice I had on the 25th (shortly after my 40th birthday) to “Tom Sawyer” remixed by Z-Trip. Fun, fun, fun! You can download it through the Temple of Poi podcast or see it below through YouTube if you prefer. In addition, I had a really fun set with my flag poi which you can also see through the Temple of Poi podcast or through the YouTube link below. The Temple of Poi Blog has a listing of the moves being practice, in case you want more details.

and did a short ride. 3 miles. at least i was on the bike.

Everything changed on Day 4. Before sleeping on day 3, I had profuse thoughts which kept arising and would not pass away that were of a sensual nature – something about showers and my lover. I finally indulged these thoughts so, there it was, precept 7 out the door. That of course led to precept 3 following 7 out the door. Now, technically, precept 1 was already violated – I was killing bacteria in my colon by the uncountable multitudes alone and let us not forget the stray ants getting killed in the refrigerator door jam every time I opened and closed the door. Beyond that, I’d already noticed myself actually say, “Ok” at some point on day 1, so, what was I left with?

A very humorous situation, I tell you. As part of the master cleanse, in addition to taking laxative tea in the evening, you do a colon flush in the morning. This consists of drinking 32 ounces of water with 2 teaspoons of non-iodized salt in it. I assume that the salt water ratio is exactly perfect that it simply passes through your digestive system without the water being absorbed through osmosis (or the salt through diffusion) into the rest of the body. If you’ve never done this, let me share, it is quite effective.

Having gone back to taking tea on the third day (see, the tea loosens everything up and the salt water flushes it out), and getting up sluggishly before light on day 4, I waited to drink the salt water until after sitting a bit. After sitting and taking the 10 minutes or so to prepare the days “food” (if, as V suggested, you could call subsisting on 600-1200 calories of maple syrup a day (while cloistered in your home) “food”) I took my salt water solution and then sat to meditate again.

There are certain sensations which arise and do pass away. I’m familiar with many of them. Pain, itching, sneezing, dry mouth, running nose, aching guts, and even, to my great relief, my burning butt — at least to some degree, though, as I stated, it was tender all week. However, there are some sensations that simply do not “pass away” without some action, including peeing and pooping. (Remember: Poop spelled backwards is poop!)

What changed for me on day 4 was what I’m grateful to relate as a humorous situation, though, I’m sure there would have been a time in my life when it was embarrassing. There I was, sitting for my first sit of strong determination (the first official one of the 10 day vipassana) doing my best to have at least some moment of noticing my sensations in between my rather creative monkey mind experiences. Mind you, I had already sat on the toilet 2 times, so I thought everything would be okay.

Oh no… it was not to be. Do you know what happens when you have a bowel full of salt water solution and you cough? In my case, you’re really grateful you happened to have put on shorts under your pants to address your concerns about anal leakage because, in fact, they had come true.

Now Buddha might have thought it enlightened to sit in a puddle of that nature; I did not. And left with nothing else but a really long laugh at myself, I had to reassess what I was actually going to do with the rest of my 10 day retreat.

The urge to throw in the towel was certainly pretty profound at this point – I’d broken half the commitments, I was sneezing, snotting, coughing and having great colon blows. And V had said to me as only he could, “If you’re going to wimp out, you might as well wimp out big.” He clarified this by saying wimping out on day 2 made sense; on day 8 it did not. This, of course, was in an effort to get me to go to his Birthday Party which coincides with day 6 of this 10 day journey.

I decided I’d call my 10 day a success if I didn’t:
- call or email anyone
- do any work
- make anything
- not kill any ants intentionally (they are still committing mass suicide in my freezer)
- actually sit for 10 hours a day (3 full hours as sits of strong determination)

I thought I’d get the laugh out of my system and I resisted the urge to call 10 people who I thought would laugh hysterically at what had just happened to me. Instead, I got on my laptop which doesn’t connect to the internet, typed up the whole thing and then I would get back to work.

This of course made me get back to the real question: What was my outcome? For what reason had I actually chosen to do this 10 day retreat?

The answers were clear: to get centered (check), to take some time for myself (check), to stop working (check), to take a vacation (check), to change some habits and develop new ones (hmmm…. We’d have to see about that), to do something which would help me grow (check), to develop my witnessing skills more (check) and to go deeper into myself (check). While I could say, on some level, I’d achieved all these things, I knew there was more to be had. So off with the computer and back to the sitting.