I was on the street the other day and was off in my own world, pondering my own sense of scarcity around money specifically. I was at the corner of 4th and mission waiting for the light. I was looking left and this guy came up to me on my right and asked, “Can you help me out?” and before I even looked at him I just said, “No.” And then as I was turning to look at him I said, as is my current practice in order to promote more people asking for what they need in the world fearlessly, “Thank you for asking.”
Then I took a look at him and I almost instantly started to cry. His manner was unassuming. He was polite in asking. He walked away and asked someone else when I said no.
He had no shoes on. His feet were black and rough looking.
I went into this cycle of thoughts around it and why my own immediate response was to say no. Lately I’ve been giving more frequently on the street. Not because I have more to give fiscally, but I have more openness to “feeling into” people’s experience and pain. And I remember what my friend Chris said to me years ago when I asked him why he gave so often. His
response was, “Because I would hope that if I were in that position, someone would give to me.”
What I also noticed was I was nearly debilitated by the experience. I’ve been doing so much work opening up in the last month that witnessing this man asking for help and shoeless had me crying before I was half a block away. My heart ached.
I ask:
How do you stay open and still stay functional without crying all the time or feeling sensations that stop you in your tracks? Maybe I’m just that sensitive. Thoughts?
I suspect that over time, you’ll gain a thicker skin so that witnessing hardship first-hand won’t leave you so debilitated. That is not to say that you’ll care any less!
Your story reminds me of a moment I experienced while I was in college, that I will never forget; one day after class, on my way to the train home, I stopped at at McDonald’s to grab a late lunch (I know – BAD – but this was a long time ago, I was young and foolish). While I was waiting in line, a homeless man approached me in exactly the same manner you described – unassuming and polite.
“Excuse me, sir – can you buy me a hamburger?”
Instantly the thoughts started racing through my head: “Hey, Jp – I know that usually you DON’T give money to homeless folks, for fear that they will only use it for booze or something instead of trying to help themselves; but, this guy isn’t asking for your money. He’s clearly so hungry, and just needs something to eat…” It then occurred to me how much more difficult it would be for me to swallow my pride enough to beg a complete stranger for food, instead of money – I still can’t really wrap my brain around WHY that is…suddenly the decision of whether to help him or not became obvious.
“I will gladly buy you anything you want.” He joined me in line, and when we reached the counter I allowed him the dignity of ordering for himself. He went for the McD.L.T. meal (yes, that was still on the menu back then – LAWD I am old). I ordered one for myself as well, and bought some cookies for the guy for good measure.
I invited him to sit down with me while we dined on our cheeseburgers and fries. We didn’t even have a conversation – just sat there across from each other, alternately chewing and smiling at one another. When we finished, we got up, and he quietly said “thank you”. I nodded, and we went our separate ways.
I never got his name, or his story, or anything. I didn’t need to, I was just enjoying savoring the moment. I think he was, too. I was on F’n cloud nine for like a week after that. I will never forget the humanity, and gratitude in his eyes – I had never experienced anything like that so directly before, or since.
wow. thanks for that share. That reminds me of the time my friends and I used this $300 bonus I got at work to buy 79 burritos at El Farlito at 24th and Mission and we gave them out on the street. what an awesome project it was. and great fun. and shocking to see how weird it was for people to believe we were just giving the food away.
I once sat at a bus stop in freezing weather while a homeless man sat next to me meticulously making a PBJ sandwich. I watched as he loaded the last of his jelly onto the bread, scraping every last bit out of the jar. As my bus came and I got up to get on it, he said “Here!” and handed me the sandwich. I cried all the way home. My perception of homeless people forever changed after that experience. I think of that man when I’m asked for money on the street and how immense and powerful a simple, small act of generosity can be.
Most of the time I give something when it’s asked, but occasionally I’m just not in a generous mood or I’m in a big hurry, and at those times, I don’t give because I feel I would be giving begrudgingly or out of a sense of guilt rather than really wanting to. I believe the negative energy attached to that act gets passed along to that person and doesn’t do him/her or yourself any good. When I travel I keep a supply of money on me to give to the poor who ask. Fortunately there aren’t nearly as many living in poverty in this country. I’ve had the idea of keeping a special little “blessed” purse in my bag with money esp. for these times. Think I might have to finally create that little purse of blessings.
PS. I don’t agree that really feeling someone’s pain and expressing that by crying is a debilitating act. If anything, allowing that expression can be freeing in itself as it connects you deeply to your humanity, spirit.