PoiPriestess » Meditation

Absence & Love

PoiPriestess — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 05:40:50 +0000

Over the years I’ve heard two very dichotomous quotes examining our experience of an absent loved one. The first: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” The second: “Out of sight, out of mind.”

I’m missing Patrick very much right now and it occurred to me that I finally could reconcile these quotes and through missing him as much as I do, I realize I now believe if we don’t really love someone that much, they will be out of mind when they are out of site. And if we really do love someone, the feelings within our heart will grow when we take space.

I’m appreciating the gift of loving someone so much. I feel like the last decade of my life was romantically very difficult and in many ways, tragic. I’m elated to have such a beautiful partner and to have the experience of missing him.

My love, my love, my love….

Life Altering Moment

PoiPriestess — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 00:00:25 +0000

Wow. I just had the most amazing experience and I really wanted to share.

For the first time ever in my life I was able to express my boundary with my parents showing up fully vulnerably, open and being _exactly_ who I want to be. And while it took a few minutes, they actually, in my experience, for the first time ever, got it.

I was on the phone with my parents. We were talking about Prop 8 and I began feeling sensations in my body that I would describe as micro-convulsions — contraction and release at rapid rate — spams — all seem applicable. But not full body in a way that was disabling… Rather in a small way that just hurt. (Were I in my vipassana practice, perhaps I could have been with them as “sensation” alone rather than pain… So I guess that’s somewhere to go from here…)

I had said what I wanted to say and my mother started speaking. She was saying things I simply didn’t agree with. At first I tried to rebut, and then I noticed I was getting agitated. So I requested that we stop talking about it. She continued to talk and at I tried to interject and then she said, “you had your turn to speak and now I’d like mine.” Which was great. So I shut up and I let her speak. When she finished — without me interrupting, the whole time remaining as present as I could and just being with my sensations — I hadn’t said anything. She asked if I was still there and I said I was. Then she started to ask me a question and I said, “I asked to not talk about this.”

She kept trying to talk about it. I kept saying, “I don’t know how to not talk about this with you if you keep asking me questions. I’ve asked to not talk about it and I’ve drawn a boundary. I’m making a request.”

She wanted to understand why and said, “So you’re saying…” and repeated it back in a way that really just took me back to all those times in my past when I haven’t felt heard or seen or understood by my parents and I finally just said, “I feel oppressed when you communicate with me that way.” I kept making the same request — again and again — each time she’d attempt to engage again. This went on for a few minutes of attempts at engaging again from her and me attempting to state the request, saying things like, “I don’t know what to do because I’m trying to ask you to honor my boundary and you’re not. And I want to stay in conversation with you and be fully open and not hang up on your or yell at you which is what I did in the past.” At this point I was just crying while I was communicating … AND I was open and vulnerable, genuinely trusting that I would be able to assert my boundary.

My father finally stopped my mother. Then he said, “I don’t understand how someone as intelligent as you can’t compartmentalize this.” I realize that I felt that was some sort of judgment about my lack of abilities. Perhaps it wasn’t, and I realize it was statements like this that in the past really impacted my sense of self deeply.

Staying with my sensations though, I was able to say, “Because I feel it in my body.” My father didn’t seem to understand and brought it back to me saying I felt “oppressed.”

At this point a floodgate of emotion ran through me and I was able to really authentically share — perhaps for the first time from a truly vulnerable space with my parents, and I said something like, “This is why I fought with you for so long. I don’t feel oppressed so much as I feel pain. And this is how I have felt most of my life. Having spent the better part of the last 10 years getting in touch with my feelings, I am much more sensitive to it than I was in the past. And I refuse to go back to the way I was because that’s how I ended up being 300 pounds and I refuse to do that again. I’m sorry that I have this limitation and I can’t be perfect for you which is all I’ve ever wanted to be because believe me, if I could, I’d do whatever it took to never have to hear you say, ‘what happened to the other three points?’ again in any context.”

This was a joke they used with me as a child – I’d get a 97 and they’d say, “what happened to the other 3 points?” I, unfortunately, didn’t get that it was a joke. So my mom says something like it would be great if I could just get that it was a joke. To which I said, “I do get that it is a joke now, and I still have these tapes from when I was 5 and 7 and 11 and 13 and 15 and the rest of my youth running through my head.”

We exchanged some more words. They seemed to not understand why I’m the way I am and they still honored my request and they really seemed to try to get it. That felt like a first for me.

As we were getting off the phone my mom said, “Try not to cry for an hour after we hang up.” I have to laugh at that to some degree. I think for my mom crying isn’t a good thing. Me, on the other hand — I feel better afterward. Put differently, I can’t even recall my mom crying 5 times in the whole of my life that I’ve witnessed whereas any given week, I’m likely to cry a minimum of 5 times.

I left the conversation really loving my parents more than ever. And feeling more love from them than I have ever felt. Such a beautiful gift. All in all, it was an amazing experience.

Though I have to wonder, how is it I’m so different from them?

The Mountain Metaphor

PoiPriestess — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 15:48:36 +0000

Our experience in life is like climbing a mountain range. At some points, we’re at basecamp, at some points we’re on the road, and at some points we’re on the peak. Most of the time, we’re in the middle — sitting on the side of the mountain somewhere.

It is so easy to look below us and see where we’ve been — celebrate it, laugh at it, mock it, notice it, learn from it, wish for it — whatever it is… It is so easy to just focus on that place where we were. Similarly, it is so easy to focus on climbing the mountain and getting to the peak — “I will only be when I have gotten to .”

But life isn’t really like that. You get to the peak, you look around and you realize how beautiful it is. And then you realize there’s another mountain. Do you stay on the peak? No way. You move on and climb another in the range, or maybe move on to the different mountain range altogether.

Yet when you’re on the mountain looking up at the peak, it is sooooo easy to just focus on, “I need to get there.”

In my experience, when we focus on either the bottom of the mountain — where we’ve been, the past — and the top of the mountain — where we’re going, the future — we miss out on the fullness of our experience.

I believe life’s journey is about being with the fullness of the experience by concurrently holding all of where we have been and all of where we want to go while fully enjoying this moment of travelling from one to the other. It is about flowing through all the sensations that arise when we think of the past and future and being in the sensations those thoughts generate now. It is about owning what we have been and what we want to be and recognizing the actuality of the now. It is about containing within us all of the mystery and majesty of the unknown while also recognizing what is known.

Photos: Chronicles of GlitterGirl, Vol. II

PoiPriestess — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 16:37:51 +0000

Here’s the photos and link backs to the second volume of the comic book from 2006. Again, the archives are a wonderful quick way to see these hundreds of posts.

June 1, 2006

June 2, 2006

June 3, 2006

June 3, 2006, Part II

Photos: Chronicles of GlitterGirl Vol. III

PoiPriestess — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 07:51:13 +0000

Photos and links to the original blog entries for the 2nd half of June 2006. Direct access to the articles is available using the archives link on the top of this page as well.

Photos: Chronicles of GlitterGirl Vol. IV

PoiPriestess — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 06:28:42 +0000

Photos and links to the original blog entries for July 2006. Direct access to the articles is available using the archives link on the top of this page as well.

Photos: Chronicles of GlitterGirl Vol. V

PoiPriestess — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 05:03:53 +0000

Photos and links to the original blog entries for August 2006. Direct access to the articles is available using the archives link on the top of this page as well.

September 2006

PoiPriestess — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 04:26:27 +0000

Photos and links to the original blog entries for September 2006. Direct access to the articles is available using the archives link on the top of this page as well.

Start Again

PoiPriestess — Mon, 27 Nov 2006 04:38:00 +0000

What I got out of this silence was a gift I never could have gotten had I gone to North Fork: anchors in my own home to my own unrelenting ability to sit with myself and ignore soooooo many distractions. For me, breaking the silence began first when Hunter called me and I answered the phone. Hearing my own voice was bizarre – I hardly recognized the sound outside my head, but more than that, using my vocal cords felt funny.

I think coming back into my voice took a good 1.5 days. Food, on the other hand, took quite a bit less time and I found myself eating chicken soup on the first day. Eating was in fact weird for quite a few days and I was grateful to have taken the 10 days to reset my relationship to food.

Day 10: Because Evolution is What Separates us from the Monkeys

PoiPriestess — Sun, 26 Nov 2006 04:37:00 +0000

For years I’ve been hearing about Ken Wilber’s work, integral thinking and his AQAL model. During the last 3 days of my sit I listened to his Kosmic Consciousness audio product which I highly recommend. It was as if, for me, years of things I sort of understood all clicked into place and suddenly the world made a whole lot more sense. More than that, it was as if I was suddenly able to see myself in ways I had never understood before and my whole journey took on more meaning as I began to see my own evolutionary process unfold within the context of his model and those he cited. It was a beautiful experience and a fine way to end the 10 days of silence.

Day 9: The Unexpected: Part II

PoiPriestess — Sat, 25 Nov 2006 04:36:00 +0000

On Monday, I had one of the best opportunities to notice my sensations as fear arises. As I was sitting, I heard noises at my front door. After living at my residence for nearly 3 years, I’m fairly familiar with the sounds made on the front steps of the house, so when the sound of the front gate opening during the day happened, I wasn’t really particularly surprised as I have 3 neighbors downstairs. What followed were the sounds of noises that sounded a lot like a key in my front door and scratches on the glass of the door. As I was sitting, a bevy of thoughts ran through my head: Is this a friend who is simply messing with my head, knowing I’m doing a sit at home? Is this someone breaking in? Would I just sit and be with my experience or get up if a burglar really came into my home?

I actually thought perhaps the most empowering thing I could do was remain unmoved, simply noticing my sensations if in fact someone was in my home to steal. I tried to imagine what they might feel like watching someone sitting there all zen’d out while they were trying to rob the place. I had fantasies of them turning around and leaving without touching anything after noticing me sitting there. I also had visions of them killing me while I was sitting noticing my sensations. I wondered if in fact that would be an enlightened moment.

As it turned out, the noises and person went away, the gate slammed closed and no one came in, though there was a repeat of the sounds about 15 minutes later with the same outcome.

Day 8: The Unexpected: Part I

PoiPriestess — Fri, 24 Nov 2006 04:35:00 +0000

Relieved to have access to my email – amazing my attachment to it, really – I found myself really moved on Thanksgiving day by all the people who decided to contact me and send me wonderful messages of gratitude. Having my original time piece stop working and having to use my phone to time my sits, it was perhaps the hardest day of all to remain silent since I received so many text pages and calls.

I hadn’t accounted for the response I might have and my own desire to contact people. I had no idea how so many messages of gratitude would impact my experience, though I was, in fact, quite grateful for my own experience at that point. Perhaps the most unexpected communication came from my friend Dan who sent me an email (it was simple but effective) articulating that he was grateful for me in his life. Given that Dan and I had rarely spent any time together socially I was pretty moved by the experience. What a gift…

Day 7: I just want to eat a big red steak

PoiPriestess — Wed, 22 Nov 2006 20:21:00 +0000

After not chewing for 7 days, I simply wanted to chew on a big steak. Nothing else really seemed interesting — just a nice, juicy, rare, steak. An interesting craving to sit with. Excellent practice. And that was the point of doing them both together for me — to notice my own cravings around what I put into my body so I could change my relationship to them.

Of course, my craving to write emails was something I just decided to give up on Day 7. From a time perspective, it seemed to just make more sense to write the emails and simply put them into my draft folder. I was also presented with interesting dilemmas about that. One of my students had to miss a rehearsal for family reasons and I wanted to assure her we’d work it out. I assured myself, had I actually gone to North Fork, she would not have gotten a response so really it was okay.

It was like the day someone came and rang my bell. It was actually a little scary because it sounded like someone had gotten in my front gate and was playing with my doorknob. I was in a sit at the time so I got to sit and notice my fear. It happened a second time maybe 15 minutes later. I made up a fun story in my head that one of my friends who knew I was sitting in my home did it to test me.

Day 6: I’m sleeping in

PoiPriestess — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 09:10:00 +0000

My sleep schedule got dramatically off Goenka’s plan. I tossed and turned for hours. Shortly after midnight the senna tea was working and I found myself up late on and off the toilet for a few hours. The subsequent burning sensitive being… Invigorating… inspired me to do a 1 hour sit at 2 am. The idea of waking up at 4 am after only going to sleep at 3 am seemed both unhealthy and silly.

I decided I was simply going to sleep in, and sleep in I did — to 8 am, a time that is still earlier than the time I normally awake at. I sat again, and again and then, at 11 am, I simply decided I was more interested in getting the class I had designed a few days prior out of my head than continuing to just meditate for the second 5 days of my retreat.

So I wrote. 14 pages of 12 point non formatted text to be used as part of the handouts for the new class.

Of course, Vladlen’s words were in my head again about wimping out. If I was silent for 10 days and meditated every day, even if I only maintained most of the rigor of Goenka’s plan for the first 5 days, was I wimping out? I decided not. I realized at some point early on day 6 that I was being attached to the idea of what the 10 days should look like rather than surrendering and simply letting them arise and pass away naturally. Ah, what relief this was.

Day 5: Walk 100 Laps in my Socks

PoiPriestess — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 08:52:00 +0000

Solitary confinement is starting to make sense. I’m making a break for it today when I go and move the car – ah, the great outdoors. I haven’t been outside since Wednesday and here it is Monday of the following week. Hmmm.

Had I gone to North Fork, I would have been forced to walk from my dorm to the meditation hall to the food hall to my dorm and back and forth between these places a few times. I didn’t realize when I set out to do this how much of a break that bit of walking provides. Even if all I did was the necessary walks from one building to another, I would have doubtlessly walked a good 30-45 minutes a day – I’m sure at least a mile a day.

With the lack of exercise this journey afforded, I decided to recreate the walking experience. Determining a lap around my apartment (down the hall, through my bedroom, around the corner of the sunroom, through the kitchen, through the living room and back out into the hall) was approximately 52 feet and vaguely recalling a mile was something in the 5200 feet range, I figured 100 laps would do a mile pretty well. I had to laugh at that though… is it really in the spirit of this journey?